Cha, Cha, Cha, Changes

I watched "Hoarding, Buried Alive" last night for the first time this year.  Last year I binged watched it until they started to repeat shows.  Some watch the show and say, "Thank God, I'm not that bad."  For me, it's very motivating.  I'm not in a hoarding situation and I never want material things to have power over me.

Last night's episode featured an older couple. They were forced to deal with their problem after the ambulance team reported them to to the county. The gurney wouldn't make it to the bedroom.  The wife admitted she was purposefully not taking her medication because she wanted to end her life.   The three adult children were the support group along with a licensed counselor.  It was so sad to see the mom focus on hoard items when her children were trying desperately to gain her attention.  The counselor then explained how addiction works and holds an immense power to consume the hoarder.  Then I got to thinking about my situation in a different way.  Yesterday morning, when I stepped on the scale, I hit an all time high number: 250.  Maybe I was watching this episode it an attempt to feel better about myself.  Maybe I have an addiction.

I made it a topic of my therapy session today.  My therapist reminded me that I deal with lot of health issues for which I take medication.  That medication is what peaked my weight in the first place.  In recent months, life has thrown a few emotional curve balls.  I had back-to-back surgeries and numerous medication changes, in November alone, to improve a chronic condition.  My therapist concluded that I have not misplaced an addiction because I didn't start with one.  Yes turned to comfort food in a time of stress and frustration.  It has added about 20 pounds to an already large number made by the meds.

I guess when I think about it, this is a journey and I have to tackle minimizing my stuff everyday.  Whether it's household items, emotional baggage, weight, memorabilia, food, or cyber clutter, it has to be dealt with on a regular basis.  And that's what I'm doing.  I'm not running from the situation.  I am positive I can make the changes needed to make the change needed.

Winter Outfit #1

On Tuesday, just 4 days ago, I had another surgery that lasted 3 hours to repair some issues with the surgery on the 13th. I made a promise to myself that I would put my winter capsule wardrobe to use when I got back in the real world.  There was also a promise made to my son a while back that I would make my famous lasagna that his dad always remembers fondly.  I haven't made it since I was diagnosed a Celiac over 6 years ago.

This afternoon I went to the grocery store to purchase lasagna ingredients and put this outfit together -

I put on make-up and styled my hair with mousse.  I wanted to blow it dry, but my hair dryer was MIA.  I'm certain one of the girls in the house must have borrowed it.

The decision to go to the nicer grocery provided self care by minimizing stops and offered a drive up service to load my car.  I remembered by reusable bags to minimize my environmental footprint as well. 

My famous lasagna retained its pedestal status.  My son has informed me that I can never again purchase Stouffers lasagna.  It has been a successful day.

Capsule Wardrobe Winterized

I'm learning so much in my journey.  I am learning to focus.  I have the time to enjoy the little things I love so much.  Even though I have been out of commission recovering from surgery, I have a bright outlook because I've learned that I can bring my house back in order in a short amount of time combining focus and joy.

Today I will be winterizing my 33 times as I have officially turned on the heat.  I will remove the skirts because they are simply too cold for me.  I will replace them with warm pants.  I have light weight cardigans that I will be switching out for heavier/warmer styles.  That means a bit of shopping for me.  Thankfully, I finally found shoes that are appropriate for winter and properly support my tendonitis ridden feet just before I had surgery.

With my epiphany regarding self care, I am making it my goal to utilized my wardrobe each day as well as do my hair and make up.  Its unlikely that I will have plans to go out everyday but I'm doing this for me.  I like myself in the 33 items I have chosen.  I enjoy the compliments my husband gives me when I make an effort.  For the record, he gives me compliments when I'm in sweats and have bed head hair.  It's just hard to accept those.

I'm going to make this journey more public and start posting pictures on my blog.  Get ready.  It's going to be fun!

Self Care

A questioned that comes up often in my circle is, "What do you do for self care?"  The typical response ranges from getting a Starbucks coffee to a spa day.  These things are deemed for special occasions in my book.  They definitely qualify as treating oneself, but I think we're looking at the question wrong.  I think self care is something we should do everyday.

When I think of how I care for my kids, spouse, or pups, I immediately think of providing food.  Then I think of activities.  I think of clothing, quality sleep, and entertainment.  If I translate that into my own care, I need to be feeding myself properly.  I need to insure quality sleep.  I need to exercise, wear clothing I love, and do some fun things too.  As a mom, I am guilty of neglecting all of those things.  Basic things to many people.

When I had surgery last week, the importance of self care became very clear.  I found myself extremely tired and hungry with an afternoon procedure scheduled.  I became very negative and complained a lot.  It demonstrated how much easier it is to keep a positive attitude when I'm well rested and have eaten properly.  It's important to keep those things in mind during the holiday season.

My capsule wardrobe helps me feel my best with the greatest of ease.  I am no longer overwhelmed by choices of sub-par options.  My FitBit allows me to connect to family and friends all over and have fun with challenges while meeting my goals.

I appreciate that life has slowed down as a result of my minimalism. It allows me to focus on basic self care daily.  I don't have to go out of my way, let alone my house, to be good to myself.  That's a huge lesson.

What cha gonna do about it?

As November approaches, I'm looking forward to a new challenge.  It's easy to suspect a gratitude challenge, but that's not it.  No, I'm going to challenge myself not to complain.  There are plenty of studies that support the idea that one needs only to choose to be happy and the day will go better.  As one that struggles with depression, I find the suggestion to "just decide to be happy" repulsive.  I do not choose depression.  It is a beast that leaves a person feeling powerless.  Complaining is often a symptom of powerlessness and/or something one does to seek attention.  So, what cha gonna do about it?

If one feels powerless, how about trying to reestablish power?  Ask, "What can I do about this?"  For instance, recently I have been struggling with my Celiac symptoms and racking my brain on how or where I might have poisoned myself.  I was assuming food was the issue since I had the privilege of eating out on several occasions.  I buckled down and only ate what I cooked and still had issues.  I did complain about the situation and then I did some hard thinking and the only thing different was a pain med I was taking.  I went into action and called the pharmacy who gave me the manufacturer's name.  I went online and found that my prescription did, in fact, contain gluten.  More complaining on my part.  Then I started thinking about this post and what I could do about it.  Well, I called my doctor and left a message asking for a non-generic & gluten-free pain killer.  Power reestablished.

I shall now embark on a month, minimum, without complaining.  I'm sure I will catch myself complaining plenty of times in the beginning, which is why I'm giving myself a few days head start.  The plan is to catch myself earlier and earlier in the complaining cycle and be a person of action rather than complaint.  If I truly cannot do anything, I will use the serenity prayer and ask for help to accept the situation. 

Clutter-Free Christmas Gift Ideas

If you travel, this list is valuable so you don't have to pack or send or wrap a bunch of gifts.  If you have family that travels to you, these gifts are great so your traveling family members don't have to figure out how to get the gifts home.  If you're a minimalist, these gifts are a blessing because they create memories and not clutter.

1) Membership to a
a) zoo
b) science center
c) museums
d) activity center
e) theme park
f) arboretum

2) Gift certificate to
a) cooking class
b) restaurant/coffee shop
c) dinner theatre
d) hot air balloon ride
e) race car school
f) car detailing
g) movie

A more budget friendly option is to purchase a gas card and then research free attractions in your loved one's area that they can travel to or just help them get home. (Seriously as one who travels for most holidays, gas cards are a blessing.)

I'll keep thinking on this, but this was in my brain today and I needed to share.  Hope it's helpful.

The Biggest Subtraction

As of 2012, more than 10% of children live with at least one parent that is an alcoholic. (Source)
One in six women will be a victim of sexual assault.
15% are under the age of 12. (Source)
97% know their attacker.
34% are incest.
Rape victims will develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is between 50-90% of the time. (source)
Rape victims are four time more likely to have contemplated suicide than non-crime victims and 13 times more likely to have attempted suicide. (source)
There is a nice chart found on this website with a breakdown on the types of abuse and at what rate they are experienced by children.  The largest being 28.3% experience a physically abusive home.  Another dreadful fact is that adult survivors of an abusive home are likely to die two decades before their non abused peers.

Why do I share this, because I'm hurting and raw with emotion.  I am fighting every day against the odds I just listed.  I have been abused physically & mentally.  I have been raped by someone I know.  I have PTSD.  And, shocking to many, I know at any given moment how I can/would end my life.  Sometimes the depression and trauma response to a trigger are so intense the only escape is to know I have control to end it all.  However, suicide is not an option for me.  I made a promise to my family that I would never do that.  They have promised to be by my side and hang tough through the swings.

At a recent visit to my psychiatrist, he very bluntly shared many of these statistics with me and "prepared" me for the difficult road ahead like I didn't know about it.  I have been hospitalized six times.  I have a well stocked tool box of top-notch equipment I use fairly deafly to present myself to the world as "normal."  That should give a clue to how difficult things are right now that I would describe myself as raw with emotion.  I hurt physically.  I hurt and struggle emotionally.  I can't sleep and I'm exhausted.

The biggest subtraction I can hope for is one day to be free of the pain, numb to the triggers, and done with the constant battle against the demons I face.  I know I am not alone.  I also know that no one can change what has happened and it is up to me to do the work necessary to heal.  I wish there was a respite place, not the psych unit where they teach me about the tools I already know and use, but a place where I'm cared for like a child the way I wasn't as a child.

This post is likely to cause people that love me to hurt.  That is not my intent.  My husband, my children, and my mom are all fully supportive in any way possible to ease my pain and struggles. I am so blessed to have them in my life.  I love you and all that you do for me.  Don't give up on me.  I'm fighting the good fight with everything I have.