The Biggest Subtraction

As of 2012, more than 10% of children live with at least one parent that is an alcoholic. (Source)
One in six women will be a victim of sexual assault.
15% are under the age of 12. (Source)
97% know their attacker.
34% are incest.
Rape victims will develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is between 50-90% of the time. (source)
Rape victims are four time more likely to have contemplated suicide than non-crime victims and 13 times more likely to have attempted suicide. (source)
There is a nice chart found on this website with a breakdown on the types of abuse and at what rate they are experienced by children.  The largest being 28.3% experience a physically abusive home.  Another dreadful fact is that adult survivors of an abusive home are likely to die two decades before their non abused peers.

Why do I share this, because I'm hurting and raw with emotion.  I am fighting every day against the odds I just listed.  I have been abused physically & mentally.  I have been raped by someone I know.  I have PTSD.  And, shocking to many, I know at any given moment how I can/would end my life.  Sometimes the depression and trauma response to a trigger are so intense the only escape is to know I have control to end it all.  However, suicide is not an option for me.  I made a promise to my family that I would never do that.  They have promised to be by my side and hang tough through the swings.

At a recent visit to my psychiatrist, he very bluntly shared many of these statistics with me and "prepared" me for the difficult road ahead like I didn't know about it.  I have been hospitalized six times.  I have a well stocked tool box of top-notch equipment I use fairly deafly to present myself to the world as "normal."  That should give a clue to how difficult things are right now that I would describe myself as raw with emotion.  I hurt physically.  I hurt and struggle emotionally.  I can't sleep and I'm exhausted.

The biggest subtraction I can hope for is one day to be free of the pain, numb to the triggers, and done with the constant battle against the demons I face.  I know I am not alone.  I also know that no one can change what has happened and it is up to me to do the work necessary to heal.  I wish there was a respite place, not the psych unit where they teach me about the tools I already know and use, but a place where I'm cared for like a child the way I wasn't as a child.

This post is likely to cause people that love me to hurt.  That is not my intent.  My husband, my children, and my mom are all fully supportive in any way possible to ease my pain and struggles. I am so blessed to have them in my life.  I love you and all that you do for me.  Don't give up on me.  I'm fighting the good fight with everything I have.