I admit if I'm walking, I want to be headed to a destination. Recently that viewpoint has changed as I'm learning to slow down and enjoy nature and the outdoors in general.
While visiting a cousin in Seattle, we walked at a pretty good pace and would be in the middle of talking when she would stop suddenly to take a picture of the smallest of details that she had noticed. It may be a flower, the shadows playing on a surface, a cool car or motorcycle, the birds, street art of some sort, or something else. She modeled for me the art of being mindful of the beauty in the details that surrounds us.
Since returning from Seattle, I have been taking daily walks with my dogs in the early morning. The park where we walk is off leash so the dogs can enjoy all the scents they desire and I can practice my mindfulness. I enjoy watching the sunrise unfold each morning; the subtle details in the sky's coloring as the sun emerges over the horizon. It is a great way to start my day.
I've made friends during our time at the park. Early morning walkers are a faithful breed, dedicated not only to their dogs but seem to share the same need for a bit of grounding before starting the day's dealings with the world at large. Funny enough, as we walk and talk, it is now me that stops and points out a detail or takes a picture or comments on an animal's morning song.
In my minimalist journey I am freeing up the physical clutter which has freed up some mental clutter as well. I no longer wish to collect things but rather memories and I wish to experience life to the fullest. I've had a goal to entertain more and I'm meeting that goal because of my progress. My house is more open, easier to keep up, welcoming, and I can focus on interactions with my guests. I guess it boils down to acknowledging the positives in paying attention to the details during the journey.
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
Thursday, July 30, 2015
Dream Weaver
As you know, if you've been reading my blog, my personal minimalist movement has been a deconstruction of sorts. As I've purged a lot of physical things, I've faced my non-physical clutter as well.
The theme to many quotes about minimalism on my favorite blog suggests that pursuing a minimalist life allows one to focus on what's most important, to follow dreams that have been hidden, and to have bigger dreams than owning stuff.
Maybe it's part of the process, but I'm not dreaming big. The most important things to me are helping people, hosting people in my home, and someday becoming a grandma. Somehow by reading all the inspirational quotes about minimalism, I've become ashamed of my simple goals. There continues to be outside pressures to do more, be busy, consume, and produce. I don't feel the need to explain myself to the people that apply the pressure and I especially am not trying to convert anyone to minimalism. It is a personal movement (period).
One day the scale of helping people may change from one person or family at a time to helping the masses. My simple dinner guest invites followed by a joyful board game may turn in to a feast to feed thousands. Maybe my children will never have children, but I'll be that person who goes to Grandparents Day with a neighborhood kid or two. I'm not sure, but I really want to shed the shame.
So Dream Weaver, I believe we can make it through the night. (And yes, I'm singing those lyrics as I type them.) Tomorrow's a new day and I'm on a journey to better myself and help others. I've got more work to do and I will simply be open to opportunities that present themselves and align with my goals. I am shedding the shame and accepting the reality that my personal journey is just that. I have not reached my destination.
The theme to many quotes about minimalism on my favorite blog suggests that pursuing a minimalist life allows one to focus on what's most important, to follow dreams that have been hidden, and to have bigger dreams than owning stuff.
Maybe it's part of the process, but I'm not dreaming big. The most important things to me are helping people, hosting people in my home, and someday becoming a grandma. Somehow by reading all the inspirational quotes about minimalism, I've become ashamed of my simple goals. There continues to be outside pressures to do more, be busy, consume, and produce. I don't feel the need to explain myself to the people that apply the pressure and I especially am not trying to convert anyone to minimalism. It is a personal movement (period).
One day the scale of helping people may change from one person or family at a time to helping the masses. My simple dinner guest invites followed by a joyful board game may turn in to a feast to feed thousands. Maybe my children will never have children, but I'll be that person who goes to Grandparents Day with a neighborhood kid or two. I'm not sure, but I really want to shed the shame.
So Dream Weaver, I believe we can make it through the night. (And yes, I'm singing those lyrics as I type them.) Tomorrow's a new day and I'm on a journey to better myself and help others. I've got more work to do and I will simply be open to opportunities that present themselves and align with my goals. I am shedding the shame and accepting the reality that my personal journey is just that. I have not reached my destination.
Wednesday, July 15, 2015
Shall It Stay or Shall It Go?
This is a big question for me as I continue my personal minimalist journey. Last night I challenged myself to fill a laundry basket four times with items to donate. I made three baskets full and called it a day. It was emotionally draining to look at these items that were in perfectly good shape and most of them never used. But that's the thing, they've never been used. I know I had a reason for buying them and great plans for the items but they overwhelm me.
I've made a new friend recently and after walking with her each day for over a week and talking about two hours during the walks she questioned my statement that I am not a creative person and have no talent when it comes to art. It's true, by the way; I can barely make stick figures, I don't sew, I can't paint, I don't make jewelry, scrapbook, or anything else. I can tell you I've given each of them a fervent try and the stress the projects created far outweighed any benefits of the finished product.
So I am allowing myself to release these precious items knowing there will be a talented artist, craftsman/woman, or simply a kid wanting to explore that will make great use of the items. I have made a promise that I will only purchase items that have an immediate use. That means a 48 hour turn around in my case because if I do attempt anything crafts, it will be a super easy project. I know others that live and breathe arts and crafts and I admire them. They can turn anything into something beautiful. The world needs people like that. I'm just saying I'm not one of them and that's okay too.
I guess this is part of my transition. Recognizing that as much as I love people who make beautiful things and find their work so inspiring I wish to emulate them, that's not where my skills lie. This personal minimalist movement of mine is radically changing the way I view myself and things I allow to hold space in my home and my mind. I'm working towards a clean slate of sorts. I wish be extremely intentional when I chose to add something. It will be beneficial, loved, and something that evokes emotion or action.
I've made a new friend recently and after walking with her each day for over a week and talking about two hours during the walks she questioned my statement that I am not a creative person and have no talent when it comes to art. It's true, by the way; I can barely make stick figures, I don't sew, I can't paint, I don't make jewelry, scrapbook, or anything else. I can tell you I've given each of them a fervent try and the stress the projects created far outweighed any benefits of the finished product.
So I am allowing myself to release these precious items knowing there will be a talented artist, craftsman/woman, or simply a kid wanting to explore that will make great use of the items. I have made a promise that I will only purchase items that have an immediate use. That means a 48 hour turn around in my case because if I do attempt anything crafts, it will be a super easy project. I know others that live and breathe arts and crafts and I admire them. They can turn anything into something beautiful. The world needs people like that. I'm just saying I'm not one of them and that's okay too.
I guess this is part of my transition. Recognizing that as much as I love people who make beautiful things and find their work so inspiring I wish to emulate them, that's not where my skills lie. This personal minimalist movement of mine is radically changing the way I view myself and things I allow to hold space in my home and my mind. I'm working towards a clean slate of sorts. I wish be extremely intentional when I chose to add something. It will be beneficial, loved, and something that evokes emotion or action.
Thursday, July 9, 2015
What's my worth?
It happens this time of year every year. I'm in my peak physical and mental condition. I feel strong and ready to tackle the world. I struggle with the intense desire to get a job, not just to add a little income to the family budget, but to "prove" my worth. My husband tells me frequently that he cannot put a value on the duties and tasks I perform as a stay-at-home mom. My family does not take me for granted.
This begs the question in my mind, have I bought into the idea that business defines me? Is it just human connections I crave, more person to person interaction than my current situation offers? It's getting harder to justify to others the value of my stay-at-home status when my kids have now both graduated from high school.
Do I define my worth simply as a child of God? A mother? A daughter? A wife? A friend? Anyone can have similar labels but am I do I excel in each of my roles? Is that my worth?
~~~~~~~~~Screeching Halt~~~~~~~Girl Interrupted~~~~~~~~Trigger Warning Alert~~~~~~~~~
The thoughts shared above were rattling around in my brain earlier this week as many things about my children's future were in the air. I was feeling frustrated with my emotions as they mature and are learning to fly. I also ran out of a very important medication in my wellness plan that helps me stabilize my emotions regarding my PTSD. I'm in a bad timing period with a new mail order prescription plan. My doctor will only prescribe refills when I am at my appointment and that's not until next Monday.
I have gotten fewer a fewer sleep time as the nightmares invade my brain. The lack of sleep makes dealing with triggers in the day time harder to manage. I'm still able to use my tools but it is utterly exhausting. The exhaustion fuels the inability to to concentrate and process any new information. And then I break.
It happened last night. I took my medication, including a high dose of a particular sleep medication, and went to bed. I had a nightmare within a dream. My nightmare was my trauma. I was being raped, my perineum was tearing, I was screaming and no one could hear me. In the dream I was waking up from the nightmare and things were warped as well. I couldn't calm down. I could't get myself to wake up. I was in an infinite loop of trauma.
When I finally awoke I was experiencing the trauma physically and mentally. I felt pain in my perineum area. Every muscle was wrought with tension and it hurt to move. My brain was reeling with the emotions associated with the trauma. I am violated. I am voiceless. I am so very broken.
My night ended with a trip to the ER to manage the anxiety response and get medications to help me sleep. The snowball needed to slow its roll.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Back to the previous programming/post~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You may being seeing way I struggle with the question of my worth. Would you have coffee with me? Am I worth the time? Would you share a meal at my house or be terrified and assume the food would be uneatable because of our dietary restrictions? Would you use your time to sit with me and distract me from the pain by talking about nothing and everything?
I'm not busy in the modern sense of the word. Do I have to be to be worthy of someone's time? Does it mean more for me to have coffee with you if I give you a litany of things I put off to prioritize time spent with you? Is it easier to to say no because the perception is I'm always available?
I guess what I'm saying is that I don't feel like I'm the one that defines my worth. It's only what the market will bear. So maybe you can help answer the question, what's my worth?
This begs the question in my mind, have I bought into the idea that business defines me? Is it just human connections I crave, more person to person interaction than my current situation offers? It's getting harder to justify to others the value of my stay-at-home status when my kids have now both graduated from high school.
Do I define my worth simply as a child of God? A mother? A daughter? A wife? A friend? Anyone can have similar labels but am I do I excel in each of my roles? Is that my worth?
~~~~~~~~~Screeching Halt~~~~~~~Girl Interrupted~~~~~~~~Trigger Warning Alert~~~~~~~~~
The thoughts shared above were rattling around in my brain earlier this week as many things about my children's future were in the air. I was feeling frustrated with my emotions as they mature and are learning to fly. I also ran out of a very important medication in my wellness plan that helps me stabilize my emotions regarding my PTSD. I'm in a bad timing period with a new mail order prescription plan. My doctor will only prescribe refills when I am at my appointment and that's not until next Monday.
I have gotten fewer a fewer sleep time as the nightmares invade my brain. The lack of sleep makes dealing with triggers in the day time harder to manage. I'm still able to use my tools but it is utterly exhausting. The exhaustion fuels the inability to to concentrate and process any new information. And then I break.
It happened last night. I took my medication, including a high dose of a particular sleep medication, and went to bed. I had a nightmare within a dream. My nightmare was my trauma. I was being raped, my perineum was tearing, I was screaming and no one could hear me. In the dream I was waking up from the nightmare and things were warped as well. I couldn't calm down. I could't get myself to wake up. I was in an infinite loop of trauma.
When I finally awoke I was experiencing the trauma physically and mentally. I felt pain in my perineum area. Every muscle was wrought with tension and it hurt to move. My brain was reeling with the emotions associated with the trauma. I am violated. I am voiceless. I am so very broken.
My night ended with a trip to the ER to manage the anxiety response and get medications to help me sleep. The snowball needed to slow its roll.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Back to the previous programming/post~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You may being seeing way I struggle with the question of my worth. Would you have coffee with me? Am I worth the time? Would you share a meal at my house or be terrified and assume the food would be uneatable because of our dietary restrictions? Would you use your time to sit with me and distract me from the pain by talking about nothing and everything?
I'm not busy in the modern sense of the word. Do I have to be to be worthy of someone's time? Does it mean more for me to have coffee with you if I give you a litany of things I put off to prioritize time spent with you? Is it easier to to say no because the perception is I'm always available?
I guess what I'm saying is that I don't feel like I'm the one that defines my worth. It's only what the market will bear. So maybe you can help answer the question, what's my worth?
Monday, July 6, 2015
Soothing Calmness
As I type one handed in the comfort of my front room, my husband's head is resting in my lap. The pups are sprawled out on the floor at my feet and the only sound is each of them snoring ever so slightly. They are relaxed and peaceful. I'm loving it. Sure there's a few things on my to-do list but they are not critical and will wait.
This moment is deeply satisfying to me as much as them. This is my now. It is also a glimpse of the future as I have stayed true to my personal minimalist movement. The bubs (our nickname for the dogs) and I walked 4 miles at the crack of dawn. When we returned home, just after 7am, My Love was finishing sharpening the mower blades. He reassembled the mower and I cut grass as he tended to the flower bed. We continued to have a productive morning and I took my siesta at 1pm while he ran a few errands.
So now it's his turn for a well deserved siesta. There was a time, numerous years ago, when My Love dreaded coming home because of the chaotic clutter. He slept to escape, not recharge. He was not relaxed nor peaceful. I have come a long way. The dramatic effects of minimizing have snowballed, ever so wonderfully, not only in our home and in my head space, but to the entire family. There is a calmness that is soothing.
My wish for those who read my blog and are on their own journey, is that they will experience the soothing calmness I feel right now. I know it's attainable and I hope you know it as well.
This moment is deeply satisfying to me as much as them. This is my now. It is also a glimpse of the future as I have stayed true to my personal minimalist movement. The bubs (our nickname for the dogs) and I walked 4 miles at the crack of dawn. When we returned home, just after 7am, My Love was finishing sharpening the mower blades. He reassembled the mower and I cut grass as he tended to the flower bed. We continued to have a productive morning and I took my siesta at 1pm while he ran a few errands.
So now it's his turn for a well deserved siesta. There was a time, numerous years ago, when My Love dreaded coming home because of the chaotic clutter. He slept to escape, not recharge. He was not relaxed nor peaceful. I have come a long way. The dramatic effects of minimizing have snowballed, ever so wonderfully, not only in our home and in my head space, but to the entire family. There is a calmness that is soothing.
My wish for those who read my blog and are on their own journey, is that they will experience the soothing calmness I feel right now. I know it's attainable and I hope you know it as well.
Saturday, June 27, 2015
Holding Space
A good friend shared an article about a person's experience with palliative care and the nurse's gift for "holding space." Here's a link. It details how nurses, and others close to the family, can support those facing end of life transitions.
It was a helpful article for me as I process the transition of becoming an empty nester. Holding space for my children by offering a safe place to just be, not giving them too much information, letting them figure out their own system and other topics addressed are all things that apply to their journey into adulthood. In essence, the article translated as a how-to on being a minimalist (free range) parent of young adults vs. a helicopter parent.
The article addressed the fine line one walks when holding space for another. An important lesson I learned, and greatly appreciate, from my mom is the practice of not offering an opinion unless asked. I'm putting that lesson to use more and more during this transition. Spending time with my daughter and her three roommates for a short time showed me that I do need to reinforce life skills like how to organize a pantry, cook a meal, clean the bathroom, etc. That does not mean that I need to play peace keeper and solve the issues of who is to clean the bathroom or the shower schedule or anything like that.
I believe by holding space for my children I am strengthening the bond with them. I trust them. I believe they will succeed and make good decisions. I also know they will make mistakes and they will still have a safe place to be themselves. I also have an opinion anytime they want to ask. :)
The last piece I am working on is making sure I have those people in place that will hold space for me. Like most transitions, this one is a bit messy in the middle. Having a safe place to be myself and say whatever is on my mind in a uncensored, unedited version, is a must. My way of handling things isn't going to be like the majority and that's okay. I'm learning to surf here and it's not always pretty.
I believe I will always be working on this skill rather than ever mastering it. I appreciate those that have paved the way for managing difficult transitions with grace. Your journey wasn't for nothing.
It was a helpful article for me as I process the transition of becoming an empty nester. Holding space for my children by offering a safe place to just be, not giving them too much information, letting them figure out their own system and other topics addressed are all things that apply to their journey into adulthood. In essence, the article translated as a how-to on being a minimalist (free range) parent of young adults vs. a helicopter parent.
The article addressed the fine line one walks when holding space for another. An important lesson I learned, and greatly appreciate, from my mom is the practice of not offering an opinion unless asked. I'm putting that lesson to use more and more during this transition. Spending time with my daughter and her three roommates for a short time showed me that I do need to reinforce life skills like how to organize a pantry, cook a meal, clean the bathroom, etc. That does not mean that I need to play peace keeper and solve the issues of who is to clean the bathroom or the shower schedule or anything like that.
I believe by holding space for my children I am strengthening the bond with them. I trust them. I believe they will succeed and make good decisions. I also know they will make mistakes and they will still have a safe place to be themselves. I also have an opinion anytime they want to ask. :)
The last piece I am working on is making sure I have those people in place that will hold space for me. Like most transitions, this one is a bit messy in the middle. Having a safe place to be myself and say whatever is on my mind in a uncensored, unedited version, is a must. My way of handling things isn't going to be like the majority and that's okay. I'm learning to surf here and it's not always pretty.
I believe I will always be working on this skill rather than ever mastering it. I appreciate those that have paved the way for managing difficult transitions with grace. Your journey wasn't for nothing.
Thursday, June 25, 2015
Learning to Surf
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf."
~ Jon Kabat-Zinn
Professor of Medicine Emeritus at the University of Massachusetts Medical School
Ya know, this isn't going to be a very good post if I try to use surfing metaphors because I don't know any. I imagine it being a lot like the sensation of riding a rollercoaster except it takes exceptional skill.
When I think of the emotional rollercoaster that is often referred to, it is a ride one must tolerate at least and learn to enjoy at best. Surfing, however, takes practice. A new surfer starts with little waves and graduates to the biggies. Skills are built upon and the experience gets more thrilling with practice. I have a choice, whatever the size of the wave, I can let it crash into me and pound me into the sand or I can have a go at surfing. I learned as a child when we visited Florida that I do NOT like being pounded by waves with my face pushed into the sand. So, I'm learning to surf.
This phase of life is a subtraction I wasn't looking forward to. I enjoy seeing my children succeed in their endeavors, but I need to have endeavors of my own. I am creating my surfboard with whatever modifications I need to make it through the waves life is creating without crashing.
My passion is helping others. My choice is to "actively" help by cooking a meal, mowing a lawn, running errands, or watching children. I need to work on simply listening and being present. I don't need to solve the problem. See that skill I just introduced, I think it may help me steer by surfboard.
Another area I need to focus on is my spiritual life. I truly believe in "to each his/her own." I have not found the traditional church experience to be beneficial as a person with a very nontraditional home. I do feel a kindred spirit to people with devout faith. They are the people I experience living out their faith, outside of the church. The do not preach or try to convert others by bringing the church to the public, rather they simply live and care for others. They do not condemn or shame. They love and accept where a person is in life's journey.
I want to collect memories, not things. I want to inspire, not suppress people's dreams. I want to love. I want to live to the fullest. Surfing is going to be awesome!!!
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