What's my worth?

It happens this time of year every year.  I'm in my peak physical and mental condition.  I feel strong and ready to tackle the world.  I struggle with the intense desire to get a job, not just to add a little income to the family budget, but to "prove" my worth.  My husband tells me frequently that he cannot put a value on the duties and tasks I perform as a stay-at-home mom.  My family does not take me for granted.

This begs the question in my mind, have I bought into the idea that business defines me?  Is it just human connections I crave, more person to person interaction than my current situation offers?  It's getting harder to justify to others the value of my stay-at-home status when my kids have now both graduated from high school.

Do I define my worth simply as a child of God?  A mother? A daughter? A wife? A friend?  Anyone can have similar labels but am I do I excel in each of my roles?  Is that my worth?

~~~~~~~~~Screeching Halt~~~~~~~Girl Interrupted~~~~~~~~Trigger Warning Alert~~~~~~~~~

The thoughts shared above were rattling around in my brain earlier this week as many things about my children's future were in the air.  I was feeling frustrated with my emotions as they mature and are learning to fly.  I also ran out of a very important medication in my wellness plan that helps me stabilize my emotions regarding my PTSD.  I'm in a bad timing period with a new mail order prescription plan.  My doctor will only prescribe refills when I am at my appointment and that's not until next Monday.

I have gotten fewer a fewer sleep time as the nightmares invade my brain.  The lack of sleep makes dealing with triggers in the day time harder to manage.  I'm still able to use my tools but it is utterly exhausting.  The exhaustion fuels the inability to to concentrate and process any new information.  And then I break.

It happened last night.  I took my medication, including a high dose of a particular sleep medication, and went to bed.  I had a nightmare within a dream.  My nightmare was my trauma.  I was being raped, my perineum was tearing, I was screaming and no one could hear me.  In the dream I was waking up from the nightmare and things were warped as well.  I couldn't calm down. I could't get myself to wake up.  I was in an infinite loop of trauma.

When I finally awoke I was experiencing the trauma physically and mentally.  I felt pain in my perineum area.  Every muscle was wrought with tension and it hurt to move.  My brain was reeling with the emotions associated with the trauma.  I am violated.  I am voiceless.  I am so very broken.

My night ended with a trip to the ER to manage the anxiety response and get medications to help me sleep.  The snowball needed to slow its roll.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Back to the previous programming/post~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You may being seeing way I struggle with the question of my worth.  Would you have coffee with me?  Am I worth the time?  Would you share a meal at my house or be terrified and assume the food would be uneatable because of our dietary restrictions?  Would you use your time to sit with me and distract me from the pain by talking about nothing and everything?

I'm not busy in the modern sense of the word.  Do I have to be to be worthy of someone's time?  Does it mean more for me to have coffee with you if I give you a litany of things I put off to prioritize time spent with you?  Is it easier to to say no because the perception is I'm always available?

I guess what I'm saying is that I don't feel like I'm the one that defines my worth.  It's only what the market will bear.  So maybe you can help answer the question, what's my worth?