It happens this time of year every year. I'm in my peak physical and mental condition. I feel strong and ready to tackle the world. I struggle with the intense desire to get a job, not just to add a little income to the family budget, but to "prove" my worth. My husband tells me frequently that he cannot put a value on the duties and tasks I perform as a stay-at-home mom. My family does not take me for granted.
This begs the question in my mind, have I bought into the idea that business defines me? Is it just human connections I crave, more person to person interaction than my current situation offers? It's getting harder to justify to others the value of my stay-at-home status when my kids have now both graduated from high school.
Do I define my worth simply as a child of God? A mother? A daughter? A wife? A friend? Anyone can have similar labels but am I do I excel in each of my roles? Is that my worth?
~~~~~~~~~Screeching Halt~~~~~~~Girl Interrupted~~~~~~~~Trigger Warning Alert~~~~~~~~~
The thoughts shared above were rattling around in my brain earlier this week as many things about my children's future were in the air. I was feeling frustrated with my emotions as they mature and are learning to fly. I also ran out of a very important medication in my wellness plan that helps me stabilize my emotions regarding my PTSD. I'm in a bad timing period with a new mail order prescription plan. My doctor will only prescribe refills when I am at my appointment and that's not until next Monday.
I have gotten fewer a fewer sleep time as the nightmares invade my brain. The lack of sleep makes dealing with triggers in the day time harder to manage. I'm still able to use my tools but it is utterly exhausting. The exhaustion fuels the inability to to concentrate and process any new information. And then I break.
It happened last night. I took my medication, including a high dose of a particular sleep medication, and went to bed. I had a nightmare within a dream. My nightmare was my trauma. I was being raped, my perineum was tearing, I was screaming and no one could hear me. In the dream I was waking up from the nightmare and things were warped as well. I couldn't calm down. I could't get myself to wake up. I was in an infinite loop of trauma.
When I finally awoke I was experiencing the trauma physically and mentally. I felt pain in my perineum area. Every muscle was wrought with tension and it hurt to move. My brain was reeling with the emotions associated with the trauma. I am violated. I am voiceless. I am so very broken.
My night ended with a trip to the ER to manage the anxiety response and get medications to help me sleep. The snowball needed to slow its roll.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Back to the previous programming/post~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You may being seeing way I struggle with the question of my worth. Would you have coffee with me? Am I worth the time? Would you share a meal at my house or be terrified and assume the food would be uneatable because of our dietary restrictions? Would you use your time to sit with me and distract me from the pain by talking about nothing and everything?
I'm not busy in the modern sense of the word. Do I have to be to be worthy of someone's time? Does it mean more for me to have coffee with you if I give you a litany of things I put off to prioritize time spent with you? Is it easier to to say no because the perception is I'm always available?
I guess what I'm saying is that I don't feel like I'm the one that defines my worth. It's only what the market will bear. So maybe you can help answer the question, what's my worth?
Thursday, July 9, 2015
Monday, July 6, 2015
Soothing Calmness
As I type one handed in the comfort of my front room, my husband's head is resting in my lap. The pups are sprawled out on the floor at my feet and the only sound is each of them snoring ever so slightly. They are relaxed and peaceful. I'm loving it. Sure there's a few things on my to-do list but they are not critical and will wait.
This moment is deeply satisfying to me as much as them. This is my now. It is also a glimpse of the future as I have stayed true to my personal minimalist movement. The bubs (our nickname for the dogs) and I walked 4 miles at the crack of dawn. When we returned home, just after 7am, My Love was finishing sharpening the mower blades. He reassembled the mower and I cut grass as he tended to the flower bed. We continued to have a productive morning and I took my siesta at 1pm while he ran a few errands.
So now it's his turn for a well deserved siesta. There was a time, numerous years ago, when My Love dreaded coming home because of the chaotic clutter. He slept to escape, not recharge. He was not relaxed nor peaceful. I have come a long way. The dramatic effects of minimizing have snowballed, ever so wonderfully, not only in our home and in my head space, but to the entire family. There is a calmness that is soothing.
My wish for those who read my blog and are on their own journey, is that they will experience the soothing calmness I feel right now. I know it's attainable and I hope you know it as well.
This moment is deeply satisfying to me as much as them. This is my now. It is also a glimpse of the future as I have stayed true to my personal minimalist movement. The bubs (our nickname for the dogs) and I walked 4 miles at the crack of dawn. When we returned home, just after 7am, My Love was finishing sharpening the mower blades. He reassembled the mower and I cut grass as he tended to the flower bed. We continued to have a productive morning and I took my siesta at 1pm while he ran a few errands.
So now it's his turn for a well deserved siesta. There was a time, numerous years ago, when My Love dreaded coming home because of the chaotic clutter. He slept to escape, not recharge. He was not relaxed nor peaceful. I have come a long way. The dramatic effects of minimizing have snowballed, ever so wonderfully, not only in our home and in my head space, but to the entire family. There is a calmness that is soothing.
My wish for those who read my blog and are on their own journey, is that they will experience the soothing calmness I feel right now. I know it's attainable and I hope you know it as well.
Saturday, June 27, 2015
Holding Space
A good friend shared an article about a person's experience with palliative care and the nurse's gift for "holding space." Here's a link. It details how nurses, and others close to the family, can support those facing end of life transitions.
It was a helpful article for me as I process the transition of becoming an empty nester. Holding space for my children by offering a safe place to just be, not giving them too much information, letting them figure out their own system and other topics addressed are all things that apply to their journey into adulthood. In essence, the article translated as a how-to on being a minimalist (free range) parent of young adults vs. a helicopter parent.
The article addressed the fine line one walks when holding space for another. An important lesson I learned, and greatly appreciate, from my mom is the practice of not offering an opinion unless asked. I'm putting that lesson to use more and more during this transition. Spending time with my daughter and her three roommates for a short time showed me that I do need to reinforce life skills like how to organize a pantry, cook a meal, clean the bathroom, etc. That does not mean that I need to play peace keeper and solve the issues of who is to clean the bathroom or the shower schedule or anything like that.
I believe by holding space for my children I am strengthening the bond with them. I trust them. I believe they will succeed and make good decisions. I also know they will make mistakes and they will still have a safe place to be themselves. I also have an opinion anytime they want to ask. :)
The last piece I am working on is making sure I have those people in place that will hold space for me. Like most transitions, this one is a bit messy in the middle. Having a safe place to be myself and say whatever is on my mind in a uncensored, unedited version, is a must. My way of handling things isn't going to be like the majority and that's okay. I'm learning to surf here and it's not always pretty.
I believe I will always be working on this skill rather than ever mastering it. I appreciate those that have paved the way for managing difficult transitions with grace. Your journey wasn't for nothing.
It was a helpful article for me as I process the transition of becoming an empty nester. Holding space for my children by offering a safe place to just be, not giving them too much information, letting them figure out their own system and other topics addressed are all things that apply to their journey into adulthood. In essence, the article translated as a how-to on being a minimalist (free range) parent of young adults vs. a helicopter parent.
The article addressed the fine line one walks when holding space for another. An important lesson I learned, and greatly appreciate, from my mom is the practice of not offering an opinion unless asked. I'm putting that lesson to use more and more during this transition. Spending time with my daughter and her three roommates for a short time showed me that I do need to reinforce life skills like how to organize a pantry, cook a meal, clean the bathroom, etc. That does not mean that I need to play peace keeper and solve the issues of who is to clean the bathroom or the shower schedule or anything like that.
I believe by holding space for my children I am strengthening the bond with them. I trust them. I believe they will succeed and make good decisions. I also know they will make mistakes and they will still have a safe place to be themselves. I also have an opinion anytime they want to ask. :)
The last piece I am working on is making sure I have those people in place that will hold space for me. Like most transitions, this one is a bit messy in the middle. Having a safe place to be myself and say whatever is on my mind in a uncensored, unedited version, is a must. My way of handling things isn't going to be like the majority and that's okay. I'm learning to surf here and it's not always pretty.
I believe I will always be working on this skill rather than ever mastering it. I appreciate those that have paved the way for managing difficult transitions with grace. Your journey wasn't for nothing.
Thursday, June 25, 2015
Learning to Surf
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf."
~ Jon Kabat-Zinn
Professor of Medicine Emeritus at the University of Massachusetts Medical School
Ya know, this isn't going to be a very good post if I try to use surfing metaphors because I don't know any. I imagine it being a lot like the sensation of riding a rollercoaster except it takes exceptional skill.
When I think of the emotional rollercoaster that is often referred to, it is a ride one must tolerate at least and learn to enjoy at best. Surfing, however, takes practice. A new surfer starts with little waves and graduates to the biggies. Skills are built upon and the experience gets more thrilling with practice. I have a choice, whatever the size of the wave, I can let it crash into me and pound me into the sand or I can have a go at surfing. I learned as a child when we visited Florida that I do NOT like being pounded by waves with my face pushed into the sand. So, I'm learning to surf.
This phase of life is a subtraction I wasn't looking forward to. I enjoy seeing my children succeed in their endeavors, but I need to have endeavors of my own. I am creating my surfboard with whatever modifications I need to make it through the waves life is creating without crashing.
My passion is helping others. My choice is to "actively" help by cooking a meal, mowing a lawn, running errands, or watching children. I need to work on simply listening and being present. I don't need to solve the problem. See that skill I just introduced, I think it may help me steer by surfboard.
Another area I need to focus on is my spiritual life. I truly believe in "to each his/her own." I have not found the traditional church experience to be beneficial as a person with a very nontraditional home. I do feel a kindred spirit to people with devout faith. They are the people I experience living out their faith, outside of the church. The do not preach or try to convert others by bringing the church to the public, rather they simply live and care for others. They do not condemn or shame. They love and accept where a person is in life's journey.
I want to collect memories, not things. I want to inspire, not suppress people's dreams. I want to love. I want to live to the fullest. Surfing is going to be awesome!!!
Monday, June 15, 2015
Relaxation Induced Anxiety
A simpler life let's me focus on things that matter to me. I'm no longer buying into the consumerism propaganda to fill a void. I enjoy helping others. Random acts of kindness are my passion. For those close to me, I need to work on the concept of "holding space" for them. I read an excellent post about it here. (It will be the subject of a separate post later.)
With a simpler life taking shape, I find I have less physical and mental clutter. Unfortunately I struggle with relaxation induced anxiety. It's a condition many who suffer from PTSD or are survivors of abuse deal with. It became very apparent it was a huge issue for me during my first stay in the trauma unit of a mental hospital. I would lose it every time the group practiced meditation or guided relaxation or other forms of calming the mind. I needed several medication to knock me out and let me sleep.
There is a sense of security when I'm on guard. I'm prepared and less likely to be a victim of bad things. When I slow down and begin to relax, I start to feel anxious because I'm not "in control." Bedtime is the worst due to the level or relaxation needed to achieve sleep. It is the time when the walls start to come down and I battle the memories, feelings, and the triggers I've kept at bay during the day take hold.
You may be wondering what relaxation induced anxiety and minimalism have to do with each other and I can only relay my experience. By minimizing my home & my schedule, I am taking control of my relaxed moments. They are no longer a forced thing. I have time when I'm in my comfy cozy home to practice simply being at peace in a relaxed state. I can deal with the memories, feelings, and triggers on my time instead of being flooded at night when all is calm, dark, and scary. I still have bad days but I know I'm handling this very big transitional time much better having started my minimalist journey.
Maybe you have experienced similar discomfort in still moments, like you've forgotten something or someone. You find you're happiest when you're super busy. Maybe getting rid of stuff is a trigger for tremendous guilt. It's hard. I know. My experience is reaffirming everyday that it is worth it.
With a simpler life taking shape, I find I have less physical and mental clutter. Unfortunately I struggle with relaxation induced anxiety. It's a condition many who suffer from PTSD or are survivors of abuse deal with. It became very apparent it was a huge issue for me during my first stay in the trauma unit of a mental hospital. I would lose it every time the group practiced meditation or guided relaxation or other forms of calming the mind. I needed several medication to knock me out and let me sleep.
There is a sense of security when I'm on guard. I'm prepared and less likely to be a victim of bad things. When I slow down and begin to relax, I start to feel anxious because I'm not "in control." Bedtime is the worst due to the level or relaxation needed to achieve sleep. It is the time when the walls start to come down and I battle the memories, feelings, and the triggers I've kept at bay during the day take hold.
You may be wondering what relaxation induced anxiety and minimalism have to do with each other and I can only relay my experience. By minimizing my home & my schedule, I am taking control of my relaxed moments. They are no longer a forced thing. I have time when I'm in my comfy cozy home to practice simply being at peace in a relaxed state. I can deal with the memories, feelings, and triggers on my time instead of being flooded at night when all is calm, dark, and scary. I still have bad days but I know I'm handling this very big transitional time much better having started my minimalist journey.
Maybe you have experienced similar discomfort in still moments, like you've forgotten something or someone. You find you're happiest when you're super busy. Maybe getting rid of stuff is a trigger for tremendous guilt. It's hard. I know. My experience is reaffirming everyday that it is worth it.
Saturday, June 13, 2015
Comfy Cozy Minimalist
When I started my personal minimalist movement in January I did not know that "minimalism" was a buzz word or that many consider it a fad. All I knew was that I wanted to live a simpler life. While I had made great strides in decluttering my house, I was not where I wanted to be. I found this article, How to Stage Your Home for Living, randomly and it spoke to my spirit.
As I make progress, I've searched for inspiration on Pinterest. The kitchens that came up were all white in an eerie way, like an institution where everything is eliminated for the safety of the residents. That is not my definition of minimalism. I chose to have color in my home to add life and warmth. I enjoy hosting/entertaining others and hope people find my home inviting and feel comfortable to be themselves. Our dogs will greet you at the door and you'll see their hair on the furniture, our super friendly cat will come to check you out when you sit down, and we will likely try to get you to join us in playing a board game after dinner. I want to have experiences that help me connect to people and my family.
I'm in New York as I write this post and one of the things I'm enjoying most is the "anything goes" attitude of creative ways people have of expressing their spirit. It has given me more confidence to forge my minimalist path in my way. I like the expression comfy cozy minimalist. I don't know if that's already a thing, but I'm going to run with it as my theme.
What's your theme?
As I make progress, I've searched for inspiration on Pinterest. The kitchens that came up were all white in an eerie way, like an institution where everything is eliminated for the safety of the residents. That is not my definition of minimalism. I chose to have color in my home to add life and warmth. I enjoy hosting/entertaining others and hope people find my home inviting and feel comfortable to be themselves. Our dogs will greet you at the door and you'll see their hair on the furniture, our super friendly cat will come to check you out when you sit down, and we will likely try to get you to join us in playing a board game after dinner. I want to have experiences that help me connect to people and my family.
I'm in New York as I write this post and one of the things I'm enjoying most is the "anything goes" attitude of creative ways people have of expressing their spirit. It has given me more confidence to forge my minimalist path in my way. I like the expression comfy cozy minimalist. I don't know if that's already a thing, but I'm going to run with it as my theme.
What's your theme?
Monday, June 1, 2015
Project 333
In April I decided to implement the capsule wardrobe guidelines offered by Courtney Carver's Project 333. I started by going through my wardrobe and finding the pieces I would use for my Spring capsule. Even though I had a complete wardrobe, I found myself wearing sweats and t-shirts because I'm a stay at home mom and, really, who cares?
Well, I do. So I then challenged myself to create 30 different outfits from my capsule in the month of May. I'm happy to say I stuck with it and completed my challenge today. I took a couple of days off, that's what rest days are for.
My capsule wardrobe consisted of:
10 sleeveless tops
4 camis
5 Sweaters
2 button up blouses
1 blazer
1 pair of jeans
2 pairs of shorts
3 trousers
2 skirts
2 dresses
1 jumper
In the beginning, I actually found myself frustrated with how easy it was to put together an outfit because I wasn't entirely ready to give up my sweats and t-shirts. Then I embraced the look good, feel good mentality and used the time I had to start a skin care regiment. Then I took it a step farther and started spending 5 minutes on my hair. Before I would comb and go. Now I use a little product, blow dry for a couple minutes, and use a finishing spray. I was so encouraged by the compliments that I was getting, I added just the basic make-up application and Boom! - one hot mama. Over the past week or so I keep catching my husband staring at me. When I look towards him he says in his dreamy voice, "You're so beautiful." Talk about motivation to keep up with this simple routine. I'm all in. From waking up to getting out of the house with all of the pieces in place (including a shower), it takes me 45 minutes - MAX. And it's totally worth it.
I learned that I will never wear shorts for fashion pieces, only exercise. One dress is sufficient for my stay-at-home mom career. Mother Nature did not agree to my warm weather assumption so I could have done with fewer sleeveless tops and a couple more sweaters. There were a few pieces I avoided which showed me I didn't love them at all and I have decided to swap them out for new pieces. This is a challenging learning process for me. I think the swap is okay, but I still struggle with a teeny bit of guilt. Then I remind myself that large women have fewer style options anyway and I'm totally okay with wanting to love everything I wear because I am okay with loving myself. That, in itself, is a new concept at my current weight/size. But, I've accepted it and I want to look good because it helps me feel good. And that's what it's all about.
Well, I do. So I then challenged myself to create 30 different outfits from my capsule in the month of May. I'm happy to say I stuck with it and completed my challenge today. I took a couple of days off, that's what rest days are for.
My capsule wardrobe consisted of:
10 sleeveless tops
4 camis
5 Sweaters
2 button up blouses
1 blazer
1 pair of jeans
2 pairs of shorts
3 trousers
2 skirts
2 dresses
1 jumper
In the beginning, I actually found myself frustrated with how easy it was to put together an outfit because I wasn't entirely ready to give up my sweats and t-shirts. Then I embraced the look good, feel good mentality and used the time I had to start a skin care regiment. Then I took it a step farther and started spending 5 minutes on my hair. Before I would comb and go. Now I use a little product, blow dry for a couple minutes, and use a finishing spray. I was so encouraged by the compliments that I was getting, I added just the basic make-up application and Boom! - one hot mama. Over the past week or so I keep catching my husband staring at me. When I look towards him he says in his dreamy voice, "You're so beautiful." Talk about motivation to keep up with this simple routine. I'm all in. From waking up to getting out of the house with all of the pieces in place (including a shower), it takes me 45 minutes - MAX. And it's totally worth it.
I learned that I will never wear shorts for fashion pieces, only exercise. One dress is sufficient for my stay-at-home mom career. Mother Nature did not agree to my warm weather assumption so I could have done with fewer sleeveless tops and a couple more sweaters. There were a few pieces I avoided which showed me I didn't love them at all and I have decided to swap them out for new pieces. This is a challenging learning process for me. I think the swap is okay, but I still struggle with a teeny bit of guilt. Then I remind myself that large women have fewer style options anyway and I'm totally okay with wanting to love everything I wear because I am okay with loving myself. That, in itself, is a new concept at my current weight/size. But, I've accepted it and I want to look good because it helps me feel good. And that's what it's all about.
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