I find myself journaling a lot about distractions I face to the simple life I'm striving for. I guess it makes sense since I'm only slightly into my journey. Too much time not being productive is uncomfortable for me. I'm still discovering myself. Life is still in flux as I prepare for my daughter's departure to New York City. Her fall plans are up in the air but I wonder if that matters when it comes to me and my journey. Whether my kids are living at home or elsewhere, I am taking the journey of focusing more on myself and less on my children. I might be at a 95/5 split now - 95% of my time devoted to my family and others and 5% on myself. If I ever reach a 70/30 split, it would be incredible. I don't know if that's a good split or not, I can't even begin to think what that would be like.
Even with such a lopsided split, I'm typically very good about asking for help when I need it. I knew this week would be hectic with graduation, wisdom teeth extraction, and graduation open house. I asked my mom several weeks ago to stay the 4 days between graduation and the party to help me manage getting everything done. Despite the recognition of needed help and the generous help offered, I am struggling to think clearly and ask for what I need. I hypothesized that it stems from the fact that I do much of my work alone so I can focus on spending time with family creating memories and not doing chores. Please understand that my family is superb at helping out around the house and the responsibilities I have are because I choose to serve my family in that way. I think there's more to it.
My mom is a hybrid of Wonder Woman and the Energizer Bunny. She is amazing and the simple truth is I can't keep up or hold a candle to the amount of work she can get done. She and my husband share the keen ability to focus intensely on a task to its completion. I'm still working on accepting my physical limitations. The fact is; I need breaks and my mom is totally accepting of that.
I've concluded that I'm not overwhelmed with the work that needs to be done. I have the (wo)man power needed and the time to have everything just so. I am struggling because of the intense emotions I need to process during this traditional time. My logical brain is being pushed to the side as my emotional side screams - Deal With Me!! I yell back, "Not Right Now." And then my brain and body shut down.
Time to focus on some of the emotions, do some journaling and process this transition. I need to accept that doing so is, in fact, productive work. I have to speak grace to myself and remember that I am not ignoring my family or their needs nor obsessing about myself. My physical and mental health depend on it.
Focusing less on my family, just a little bit, feels like a huge subtraction to me. I don't need to be ashamed. I don't need to apologize. My family will actually be happy that I have nurtured myself. This is the Heart of Subtraction. It is not easy, but necessary.
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