Whiney-Butt Phases

Ever just wanna be done with something?  Maybe a diet for a special event?  Maybe the special event?  Maybe a garage sale?  Maybe a drive?  You're getting the gist, right?  Well, I'm there.  Last night I had my breaking moment.  I'm only half way done with recovery from surgery and I very much want to be done.

I was accustomed to my pre-surgery daily routine.  I would do a load of laundry, choose a meal for dinner, pay a bill, and shop for the day's groceries in the morning.  I needed an hour power nap in the early afternoon.  I would clean-up between 4-5 so my husband would be oh-so-happy when he got home from work.  I started cooking at 5 and I was done at 6pm.  And I do mean done.  I did not go out.  I stayed off the computer.  I was lucky to stay awake past 9pm.  And I was up early the next day to start my routine again.  My version of minimalism served me well, but that was then, this is now.

I don't like asking for help with basic things.  I hate being exhausted even more quickly than before.  My power hour nap takes a good portion of the afternoon.  Cooking consists of tossing a frozen meal in the slow cooker.  Yes, I made those meals before I had surgery.  I just really miss the creative outlet of choosing and preparing our dinner each day.

What's missing from the picture is gratitude.  The whiney-butt that I am is not seeing all the things for which there are to be thankful.  A diet is a chance to choose healthy food for my body.  A special event is a chance to connect and maybe celebrate with family and friends.  A garage sale is a chance to bless others with items I no longer use and maybe earn a little cash.  A drive means I have a car with places to go and things/people to see.  Recovery is a chance to let others do for me.  It's a chance to let my body heal and be better than before.  With success, I won't have the limitations I did before surgery.  I would like to keep my routine, for it served me well.  Being healthier is a chance to go beyond my routine and serve more people.  That is what's in my heart; service to others.  Shame on me for not accepting the service others share with me during my time of healing.

I see now, reading back through this very post, that my version of minimalism needs to focus on gratitude.  Contentment is at the heart of happiness.  I believe one reaches contentment through gratitude.  I not only have enough, I am enough, and I am grateful for the many blessings in my life even if it takes a raw and honest post to work through the whiney-butt phases.

It All Adds Up

I'm working on decluttering my sugar intake.  I will begin my journey by starting my each day with a smoothie.  I would normally stock up on a week's worth of food for one recipe, not knowing if I like it.  And then, if I don't, the food is wasted.  I have a different mindset knowing I'll be at the store each day; everything can change tomorrow.

Isn't that an interesting thought; everything can change tomorrow.  Like any major change, the first steps are little and oh-so subtle.  You often can't see any change, things seem like they will never change, but they are.  They're changing because you're trying.  Don't stop trying.  The little things add up.  Give yourself time.  Make it through today.  Make it through tonight.  Everything is changing.  It's the only constant.

I will try many recipes in my journey.  I will keep trying. I will find something that works. I may even find multiple things that work.  The little changes will add up.  I will see the change.  I will feel the change.

Dare to be Free

The loss of my father, surgery, and minimalism are all helping me learn to let go.  It's something I must learn but my hope is it becomes a natural state for me.  My wonderful family is incredibly supportive and I'm so thankful.  It is hard for me to let go and harder for me to ask for help.

Preparation for the surgery started before my father's sudden passing. Because I have not had the best history with the medical community, I was challenged to view this surgery as restorative.  The 2 year lead up, strong relationship with my doctor, fabulous support system, and all-around fantastic communication with all parties suggested that restoration could happen; and it is.

The surgery itself has restored a part of my body that has been badly hurt for a long time.  The recovery period has allowed me to explore feelings about the loss of my father and process them in safety.  I am trusting that I am loved and cared for.  It helps that my support network proves themselves daily, even though they shouldn't have to.  Not having to stress about massive clutter is freeing.

Freeing . . . that should be my new motto.  I choose to live with less because it is freeing me to be  content, to love myself, and accept the love of others.  Dare to be Free!

Can You See What They See?

Today is officially two weeks post-op.  Yesterday I had my check-up and I passed.  It was only one day into my recovery at home that I was feeling quite worthless.  To say I felt unattractive is being nice.  That changed yesterday as I got ready for my day and spent a good long while in front of the mirror, something I never do.  I loved at my lumps and the curves they created.  I noticed my smooth and soft skin.  I smiled at my tattoos because they hold such meaning.  They've been covered up a lot lately and the reminder of their significance was good for me.  As I stared into the mirror, I loved what I saw for the first time in a long time.  I loved myself.  And that's what I needed.

I have managed to declutter the parts of the house that are used most.  There's the cat room and the basement that still need my attention.  Their time will come when I'm done with recovery.  I'm finally at the point I can focus on the habits that keep the clutter at bay.  Things like handling the mail as it comes into the house.  Keeping the kitchen island clear.  Running the dishwasher every night and unloading it first thing in the morning. Doing a load of laundry everyday, no matter how small.  Staying off Amazon and only shopping for necessities.  Making sure there are healthy food options in the house and providing a tasty, clean dinner - every night.

The things I mentioned are things I have implemented throughout the last year of my minimalist journey.  Drinking myself in as I looked in the mirror yesterday and finally loving all 240+ pound of me, I made the decision to focus making healthy food choices my next priority.  I would like to declutter my sugar intake first.  I'm no longer looking to diet because I hate myself.  Rather, I'm choosing to be good to myself and eat better because I love myself.  That's huge paradigm shift.  I will no longer hide from the mirror.  Each day I will be there and be present as I say affirmations about myself and my choices.  I'm done with self-hatred.  I will see the woman my husband loves so dearly.  I will see the Mom my kids think is the best.  I will see the friend that others care about.  I am all of those things and I love myself.

Surfing

Three weeks ago I was in a hospital room with my mom and my siblings as we removed the life support keeping my father alive.  It was just me and my mom when my dad took his last breath.  My mom's love for my dad has always amazed me.  Her strength is something beyond my understanding. She was a warrior in love.

The funeral was six days later.  My mom guided the decisions as asked if there were objections.  I appreciate my family all working together and respecting each other so much that the process was "easy."  My dad had a proper funeral and burial.

While my heart is at peace with my father's passing, I am far from at peace with the prospect of losing my husband, my mom, or my children.  I will be the one to guide the decisions and need to be the warrior.  I'm simply not ready and it was made even more clear last week when a high school classmate lost her husband suddenly and unexpectedly.

Intellectually, I am aware that a person does not die when it is convenient or when all the loved ones are ready.  Such a time does not exist.  We each make our peace at our own pace.  The heart of subtraction due to death is not an art.  It is not methodical.  It is raw and vulnerable.  I don't have the answers.  I can't apply a solution.  I have to surf the emotional waves as they come.  Sometimes I crash and burn with a face full of sand.  Sometimes I'm sure the tunnel is going to collapse.  Sometimes I can ride with the sun in my face.  Sometimes.

Clutter Comes in All Forms

This minimalist gig is far bigger than I imagined when I started.  I thought I'd get rid of some stuff in the house, pair down my wardrobe, have some clean surfaces, and be good.  I learned relatively quickly that it is an ongoing process to keep the clutter out and the surfaces clear.  I then began to learn that busyness was a form of clutter and started to simplify my schedule.  I enjoy a slower pace of life.  It's probably the hardest thing for people to understand because society has taught us to find worth and importance by how much we have to do.  We are not allowed to simply say no to something.  Rather we are required to list off every stinkin thing on our to-do list to justify that we are indeed too busy to say yes to a request.  The poor folk who are incapable of saying no, even when their to do list is longer than the day has hours, are totally overwhelmed.  I get to save my yeses for things I really want to do and will bring me joy. I may struggle at times with societal guilt, but I'm working on that.

I'm also finding that I'm minimizing my words.  It's not something I've read about or even a goal I've set for myself. I think it's a byproduct of simplifying life in general.  I'm realizing that people don't need the whole story in order to understand my simple answer to a question.  If they want more info they will ask.  I rather sound like an imbecile at times as I sensor myself and that's okay.  I'm living in the moment and long answers usually involve the past.  Simple is better.

Clutter also involves all the negative self-talk and worry that rattles around in my thoughts.  This is my area of focus during my recovery time from surgery.  I don't feel well and that leads to a lot of negative thinking.  I have been working on accepting compliments, combatting negative self-talk with affirmation statements, and putting worry to rest by staying in the now and accepting what I have control over.   It's challenging, but like the rest of my minimalist progress, it's worth it.

Before and Now

I'm glad I got that little post done so I can keep the stone rolling and write more.  I've been thinking about the benefits I've been experience because of minimizing.  First thing, when I received the call from my sister that my dad was in bad shape I left, immediately.  I did not worry about things that needed to be done before I left or during the 4 hour drive to the hospital.  I was focused on my sister, my dad, my mom, and my brother.  I was fully present to be a support and surf the emotional waves of his last days.

Before minimizing I would dream of having a maid, a chef, a gardner.  Now I have time and enjoy cleaning my house, preparing fantastic meals, and building my know how to have a garden.

Before minimizing I was paralyzed by decision fatigue when choosing what to wear any given day.  Now I joyfully select from my capsule wardrobe and feel fantastic.

Before minimizing I would shame myself for the excess I had, yet continue to add to it because I believed the consumerism messages that stuff would make me happy.  Now I happy with what I have and am able to selectively choose to purchase only those things that I will use often and love.

Before minimizing I wasn't very hopeful about what the future held.  Now I am free to dream and take action, now, to make progress to achieve those dreams.

Now I have more joy, more hope, more dreams, and more love.  Now is great.